"I think about love more than anyone really should..."

[[The Holiday]]

Lesser known fact about Shauna: When I get bored, or too entrenched in my own thoughts--I perform monologues--obviously the end result of growing up the daughter of actors.

The interesting thing about it, is that I've really stopped performing. I haven't actually been on a stage in an extremely long time and if anyone were to ask me to perform one of these monologues I'd probably completely freeze up. I guess this stuff is just for me, personally inflicted therapeutic exercises...?

You see, I don't like dealing with my own emotions--those are scary! When I'm performing a monologue, I take pleasure in exploring another person's emotions. There's no fear involved, because the emotions I'm releasing aren't mine, they're someone else's. I can completely dive into the extremities of emotion: fear, love, loss, happines, etc. And sometimes, I find monologues that really call out to me. That I can relate to on a much more basic level--and I think to myself, wow, I've actually been there. I've felt this before. And it's nice. For the short minutes I'm in character, I can explore what I should've allowed myself to feel before. What I wanted to say but couldn't give myself the liberty to do so. It's that catharsis, Aristotle said we should feel as we watch drama--I guess, for me, cartharsis happens when I'm actually in it; when I recreate it for myself.

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said, 'journeys end in lovers meeting.' What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had.

I suppose, I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives."

"We only wanna be our best..."

"... so, we say YES to happiness!" [[Say Yes--A Brand New Year]]

Interviewing for Teach For America was probably one of the most stressful, emotionally trying, terrifying moments of my life; I'd never been so scared. A normally confident person, self-doubt seemed to spring up from no where. All of a sudden, I felt so unprepared, so unaccomplished, so unlike myself... the fear was almost crippling.

Luckily, I am blessed to have some of the most amazing friends in the world. At various times during the week leading up to my interview, many friends and family contacted me, using various means, "just to say hello" and see how I was doing. Their encouraging words, as I told them all of my fears and anxieties regarding the interview, provided the pick-me-up I needed to complete all the tasks necessary before going in on the interview day. I am so grateful to have friends who are in tune with the Spirit and follow promptings when they are received. I am also so grateful to have a wonderful group of friends who love me for who I am and remind who that person is when I forget.

Only a few days before my interview, the crippling fear returned. I couldn't understand it, but I was too scared to do anything. In a moment of total panic, I said a silent prayer and the words of 2 Timothy 1:7 came to mind:

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of POWER, and of LOVE, and of a SOUND MIND."

As soon as I realized the source of all my fears and anxieties, they immediately disappeared. I realized that God had not created me to cower in bed and hide under my blankets. He had created me to fulfill my potential, to use all of the gifts I'd been blessed with to do His will and help my fellow brothers and sisters. Whatever was to happen on my interview day, I had no need to fear for the Lord's hand is in everything and all will work out for my good.

The day of my interview, I left the house at 6am to make sure I got to my 9am appointment in downtown LA on time. I woke up at 4am so that I'd have time to shower and I also set aside a longer time for scripture study, realizing I needed that spiritual boost more than anything. I spent the 1.5 hours on the road listening to my Sunday playlist, including my favorite LDS, gospel, choral, bluegrass, folk, and other religious musicians on it.

It was during this drive that I fell in love with the song "Say Yes!" from the LDS youth broadcast "A Brand New Year". The lyrics, which I've included below, are really smart but it was the chorus that stuck out to me the most.

There are so many unforeseeable events that will happen in our future, so many areas where we may feel lost, scared, or confused, but when we say YES to following the Gospel of Jesus Christ we say YES to happiness, freedom, and hope!

Sweet really is the peace the gospel brings!! I know that the Lord is holding my hand; I am never alone.* I know that even in the darkest and most trying times of my life, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, there is a path to happiness prepared specifically for me by a merciful God who knows and understands my needs.*

God lives and He loves us. We are His children, sons and daughters of the happiest being in the universe! Our potential is limitless and divine. By growing closer to our Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ through our faithfulness and obedience, we choose happiness--its our heritage!

Say Yes
A Brand New Year

There are a million different places we could be tonight,
Where the feeling's not right and we can't see the light,
But we would never go anywhere that would compromise us.

The world that we live in doesn't seem to ever realize,
We do the things we do because we see through different eyes.
So, we don't think twice when there's a choice before us.

So, if you feel like all you say is "no," don't let go.
We will reap exactly what we sow
'Cause when we say "no," we say...

Yes, yes, YES to HAPPINESS!
We say YES to FREEDOM!
YES to HOPE!
YES to everything GOOD that we know!
Because we're trying hard to do what's right,
Means we're gonna have that much more fun tonight.
We only wanna be our best, so we say YES!

So many decisions seem to come before every day,
In the words we say and the way we try to obey.
But we don't give a second look to anything that we shouldn't.

We're not following just because our parents said that we should,
But 'cause we tried it out and we know that it's good.
And every day we live and learn, we know we're growing stronger.

To face each challenge with a firm resolve to stand tall.
Live each moment giving it our all,
Answering the call to say...

Yes, yes, YES to HAPPINESS!
We say YES to FREEDOM!
YES to HOPE!
YES to everything GOOD that we know!
Because we're trying hard to do what's right,
Means we're gonna have that much more fun tonight.
We only wanna be our best, so we say YES!

*Isaiah 41:10, 13
**Alma 7:12

"Child, just promise me that you will be eventually..."

"... I need your possibility like I need a night worth sleeping for." [[Apology to My Unborn--Bassey Ikpi]]

(Talented mommy's blog: vacant.cc)

This post could get very deep with emotion & forward thinking, but I'm going to save that for another time... right now, I just want to bask in the glory of this tremendous nursery. There are some days when I just can't wait to be a mother. On those days, I frequent blogs like Offbeat Mama, where I found this. Isn't it beautiful?! It was inspired by the Royal Tenenbaums, musical parents, and trees. Please, check out the other pictures--so amazing!

With a name like "Harper Lennon" this little baby is definitely destined to rockin'. :)

And here's a little Slam for your day:

"Funny, I just want some of your sun..."

"... dark clouds seem to follow me." [[A Dream--Common]]

For the past couple months I've been unable to remember any dreams I've had. I know I have them because I'll wake up with very different emotions from what I had when I first went to sleep (normally a good indicator that my brains been doing some extra thinking) but other than that, I remember nothing. Well today, I remembered EVERYTHING and I really wish I hadn't because the whole dream just left me pretty angry and frustrated.

I'm back at BYU with a completely new set of roommates. We're having a bunch of people over to watch a movie and I find out that one of my roomies' uncles is coming who's just been called to be a General Authority. Before the movie started, another family member of one of my roommates comes over, she was the aunt of someone... and on her way up to my apartment she ran into me, in my pjs, talking to a bunch of the Boys who lived just across the way from me. So offended by my "blatant disrespect for civility and modesty," she refused to look at me for the rest of the night and encouraged her niece to write to the BYU housing office asking for me to be removed.

As the movie started, I was sitting at the far end of our HUGE living room so I could really only see half of the screen which led me to read some pretty ridiculous things... words like "beauty", from where I was sitting, looked like "booby" and etc. Of course, I had to share this information with the rest of the living room and everyone looked at me stunned that I would actually say the word "booby" in front of a recently called general authority. Even though, he was sitting right next to me on the couch and said he saw the same thing but instead was laughing like a 12 year old boy about it.

Before we all headed to bed, the Bishop came into our apartment and scolded me for being such a "crude girl", telling me that I'll "never get married with a mouth and a mind like that". "Men are looking for good girls with an innocent sense of humor" and, if I wanted to find a husband, I should work on being more naïve. He then paid a visit to my very young, very airheadish roommate and thanked her for being such a great example of what virtuous young women should be like. I just rolled my eyes and went to bed. In the morning, I got dressed and headed over to my stake center, which I'd never seen before, and looked nothing like a stake center... but oh well.

We were in the cultural hall. The only light in the room was coming from the stage where a show of some sort was being performed. During the intermission, my buddy (who looks strangely like Demetri Martin but who I understand to be someone else entirely) comes up on stage and starts doing a comedy routine. Apparently, I'm involved in this as well and so I jump in with a few witty one-liners every so often. Then, he opens the mic up to whoever wants a chance at it.

He's super grabby and as soon as he decides the person isn't funny (which is normally within the first couple seconds of their opening joke) he snatches the mic away in an effort to try to "save the show". This annoys me to no end, because we're the intermission act, people are supposed to be milling around and he's taking it all personally and becoming a jerk about it. He hands the mic off to one of my Aunts who I actually know is extremely funny although she's wearing ridiculous bright blue, taffeta prom dress (don't ask me why...). Before she even gets to the punchline he tries to steal the mic back but I get up on stage and block him from it, forcefully telling him to sit back down and that I'm taking over for now. He walks away deflated, but I can't think of a better way to have handled the situation, so I try not to feel too bad about it.

At the end of intermission, they hand me back the mic and I realize that this is actually his own, personal mic, not one he got from the tech guys, but he's no where to be found. So, I go on a wild goose chase around the building to find him.

While on my search, I run into another friend who's working tech. I appreciate hanging out with the film guys because, for the first time in my dream, I don't feel like I'm ever "too much" for them. When I mention who I'm looking for, the men tell me that they've all seen him and point towards where the Craft Service station is. Back on task, I end up having to squeeze my way through a number of extremely rude people surrounding the table only to miss him as he leaves with a group of friends.

I finally get to the back of the stake center, which actually resembles more of the basement of the Wilkinson center at BYU--there's a bowling alley and an arcade. He's still nowhere to be found, but some random kid gives me a gumball, which, as I begin to chew, coats my whole mouth with the stickiest bubblegum I've ever had. It won't come off, and there's a ton of it. So, as gross as this sounds, I had to use my fingers to pry it out of my mouth--which ended up taking FOREVER.

By the time I've finished collecting a ball of gum, possibly the size of my palm, from my mouth, I find my friend. Who's now working as one of the arcade people. Except now he doesn't look anything like himself, or Demetri Martin... instead, he looks like a very mean Korean girl I went to high school with. I hand him the microphone and apologize for taking so long to return it to him. He gives it a look over and then hands it back to me, and I notice that the head of the mic is missing. I must of knocked it off while I was maneuvering through that sea of mean people, I think to myself. Instead of talking to him about it, I just turn around and tell him I'll come back when I've found it, muttering the whole time, under my breath, that I'd really like to just punch him in the face... but I can't, because it's Sunday and I'm trying to be a good person.

And then, I woke up.

Do I know what any of this means? BYU made me rethink a lot of who am and who I want to be? I'm a crass woman who shouldn't be allowed in public? I should probably try to avoid this friend, since I'm always chasing him down and he apparently makes me feel terrible about myself?

Who knows...

"Sick, tired and sleepless..."

"...with no one else to shine for." [[Sick & Tired--The Cardigans]]

If getting sick were an Olympic sport, my family's lack of immunities would be destined for the gold. I mean, what can I expect? I moved into a home that invites not 1, not 2, not 3, but at least 5 different pools of infection into our home. FIVE! The moment we've finished with one flu, the next variation comes home by way of someone else. I grew up in this house, I shouldn't be surprised.

During my time at BYU, I got sick 3 times. Yep, that's right--I can count them all on one hand! Oh, and did I mention that I also had no allergies while there? Because I didn't. Pretty amazing, I know.

Well, if you hadn't already guessed... I'm sick. It's wretched. I had a little bout with the flu last week, but I didn't have a fever--just lots of coughing, running of the nose, and soreness. Last night, I got it all. Coughing, fever, the chills (I HATE the chills!), aches and pains EVERYWHERE.

I should probably mention that I'm also the biggest baby ever when it comes to getting sick. I blame this on having a mother who's also a big baby when she's sick and a father who spoils his wife and children like nothing else. The night you get sick, he goes out and buys all your favorite things, makes sure you're comfortable, gives back rubs, sits next to you and sings you to sleep--I know, my dad's unbelievable.

So yes, I'm spoiled. When I'm sick, I like to be surrounded by the people and things I like most. I also like to have company, or at least someone constantly checking in on me. Luckily, one of my best friends understands this about me and made sure to call me when I was feeling my sickliest. I was so feverish I don't think I made much sense at all, but he seemed to get a kick out of my nonsensical jabberings and I fell asleep listening to him tell me about his crazy day. Good friends are the best. :)

Well today, I was still feeling quite icky, so I stayed in bed, slept and caught up on blogs I'd fallen behind on (I did all my movie watching yesterday). And when I'd read absolutely everything there was to read, I turned to my mother's favorite pastime: house-hunting. Now, am I in the market to buy a house? Goodness no! I'm still unemployed (I have my final interview with TFA on Tuesday, though--prayers would be much appreciated!). But my dear old roommate Charity and her husband are in the process of buying their first house (so exciting!) and I like to check out housing prices every now and then; it's fun to plan my future dream house.

In my faux house-hunting, I've arrived at a few conclusions about what I'll be looking for when I actually become a serious homebuyer:

• I want a house I can throw family parties at. What does that mean? BIG backyard--already landscaped would be preferred.
• I'd also like to stay within the Cerritos/Cypress stake boundaries. Just because I really LOVE the area (it's the perfect distance from everything), we've got great schools, and I'd still be next to family.
• Also, 3+ bed/2.25+ bath is a MUST. Otherwise it feels like you're living in a glorified apartment.

Okay, like I said, I only came to a few conclusions. And I'd really like to jumpstart my legal career already so I can purchase the dream house I'd really like--but we're just gonna have to wait about 5+ years for that one. And then the housing market will probably be COMPLETELY different. Ah well, we'll just have to wait and see.